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htb issue 00018 .. 0325.98 .. distribution: 254+
previous: TribeStorming
.. next: near life experiences
Hey, thanks for opening up HTB. It's been a while since I've written one of these, so if you don't know, or you don't remember subscribing, HTB is an electronic publication loosely centered around a way of communicating called neuro-linguistic programming, or NLP.
A lot of you have written me lately. In fact, I've let the email pile up a bit too high for my tastes. Well, I've had a lot going on recently.
The main thing is that Lori and I have decided mutually that we'd rather just be friends. That's opened up all kinds of changes for both of us. For me, anyway, it's time to go play... :)
Many of you have told me that what you like and what you want more of out of this newsletter is real world NLP. NLP with co-workers, students, family, friends, pets, self-change. In short, you want something you can use.
Well, writing it will help me learn, too. So let's get to it, eh?
PS Be sure to check out http://manifestation.com/nlp for all kinds of great NLP stuff from sites across the web!
My therapist bored me. I'd read all these therapy books where you got to go deep inside your mind or write letters to someone and tear them up, or bring a date and pretend to be each other. I thought, therapy's supposed to be cool! This guy just kinda sat there.
Basically, I went to therapy because I was home alone all day. No job. All my friends were in school. I didn't even have the internet. For some reason I kept getting depressed... :)
A friend of mine got me to come down one day and volunteer to teach kids after school. It was pretty intense. I had to fill out this long application that asked a lot of really good questions about my beliefs and experiences. And when I went in for the interview, I got to role-play with other people my age. They pretended to be my students. I met new people around my age, and I had a whole lot of fun. I felt great, and that was just the interview.
I had about four or five therapy sessions, and not one of them produced any significant change in my life. Yet the simple act of trying something new - teaching - led directly to a whole slew of positive changes. After just one or two sessions working with the kids, I became more confident, more outgoing, and more excited about life.
Now that all happened a long time ago, but looking back, it makes me wonder. The therapist's job was to help me change for the better. Obviously, it was possible for me to change, because I changed. In fact, I shifted totally just in the interview for the teaching program. That interview session and one therapy session took about the same amount of time. In the interview, change just kind of happened. In therapy... Well... :)
I wonder what prevented him from providing me (or his other clients, presumably) with a truly life-changing experience?
Consider the question, "Will you marry me?"
Hmmm! Life changes CAN come quick!
So what was up with this guy? Maybe he just didn't know any better. Or maybe he just never stopped to realize how easy change can be. Maybe when he sat down to talk with me, he just didn't know what he was doing.
Aha!
I like to live in a world of constant change. The people around me are always learning, always trying something new, always improving. It's not happening in a vacuum. They're constantly creating or jumping into experiences in their imaginations and in the physical world around us.
We learn from experience, we triumph through experience. We can be burned by experience, or bored by it, or fed up with it. We can do all kinds of things. In fact, there's not much else we can do. We're big ol' experience machines.
So what do we want to experience?
What do we want the people around us to experience?
Most importantly, how can we create those experiences?
When a system's output is used as its input, that's called feedback. Cool stuff happens with feedback. Thermostats know when to turn your heater on. Microphones make big screeching noises. People notice their behavior and if necessary, change it.
Eh?
Think about it.
We've all wanted something at some point in our lives. Some of us went out and got it. Some tried. Some didn't even do that. What makes the difference?
Variety.
It stands to reason. If you do the same thing over and over and over and over, you're going to keep getting the same results. If you want different results, the only way that will happen is to do something else. And if you pay attention - if you look at the results you're getting and use it as feedback for how to act next - you'll wind up getting the results you want with precision.
Let's make that a bit more explicit, and put it into NLP terms. The basic NLP feedback loop goes like this:
This is sometimes called a TOTE pattern, by the way -
Now, there's all kinds of ways we can apply that loop to teaching, learning, negotiations, whatever. And the TOTE pattern leads to all kinds of great questions, which has lead to all kinds of great NLP answers, like:
I'm going to cover a lot of these thoughts in future issues of HTB, but first things first. Let's actually try on this way of thinking, and find out what happens.
[If you know about 6-step reframing (which is basically using your BODY as a feedback mechanism to do unconscious changework) you might want to play with this in that frame...]
I'm going to give you a choice. From now on, in any situation you ever encounter, at any particular moment, you can do one of two types of things. You can do something you've done before, or something you haven't. Now, since you always have at least those two choices, everything else gets easier.
I want you to pick three different contexts in your life. They can be anything, but pick things that you encounter fairly regularly. Driving to work. Talking to a particular person. Buying groceries. Going to the movies. Reading a book. Of all the things you do in your life from time to time, pick three.
When you have those, take the first and think about it in your mind. Consider the way you usually act in that context. How do you hold your body? What do think about? What parts of the outside world do you pay attention to?
When you've noticed that, think of three ways you could do things differently in that context. If it's brushing your teeth, could you change toothpastes? Brush them in the shower, if you don't usually, or vice versa? Carry a toothbrush around and brush them at restaurants? Brush each tooth individually? Do you have a particular order you usually brush in? Top teeth, then bottom? And if so, couldn't you change it? Couldn't you wiggle your toes every time you brushed your teeth? Couldn't you really enjoy the feeling of that toothbrush massaging your gums?
Use something besides brushing your teeth, and find three new choices. Do this now, and surprise yourself by how quickly you discover new choices. Your brain, after all, wants to be flexible!
Now take the second context. How many people out there have also been in that context and done things differently? Maybe they did it better, or maybe they did it in a way that didn't make any sense. Maybe all they did was floss. :) When you've thought of three other people's choices, try them on for yourself in your mind. Imagine yourself doing it their ways. You don't have to actually do it in the real world, of course. It's just another choice!
Take the third context. Also think of things you do well. Since you're reading this, you're probably pretty good at breathing, or sitting in a chair, or dressing yourself. You probably have mastered even more things in your life. Pick three things you can do, and try using those behaviors in this third context.
You could brush your teeth in all kinds of ways. To paraphrase one of the great thinkers of our time, you could brush them on a plane, you could brush them on a train, you could brush them with a goat, you could brush them on a boat, you could brush them here or there, you could brush them ANYWHERE!
Be silly. Have choices. Sooner or later, you'll come up with something that just seems fun.
Hmmmm... :) I wonder what that could be like... :)
As you continue to develop flexibility in your behavior, two things will begin to happen. First, you'll become more interesting, and second, you'll begin to wonder what to do with it all. I mean, there may be intrinsic value in brushing your teeth while lying on a therapist's couch, closing old loops and firing off anchors, but most people want more out of life.
How can we use these two skills of feedback and flexibility to make more money? Have more fun? Find true love? Live the lives we've always wanted?
All too often I've heard people talk about the things they want in life, and then say, "but..."
There's a real nice meme floating around the NLP circles these days that says we live in a world rich with choices. Some people still think that money is scarce, or that they have to go around being lonely. But there was a time when money didn't exist at all, and there's something like six billion people on the planet!
Nobody has to be poor. Nobody has to be lonely. Bucky Fuller once estimated that we have enough resources on this planet that every single human could live the lifestyle of a billionaire. Well, let's go get it, eh?
I'm talking about having an outcome in mind. When the first NLP'ers went out into the world to model therapists, the NLP'ers asked, "Why did you shift your tone like that? Why did you make that gesture? Why did you say what you said?"
The therapists said, "I dunno," and when the NLP'ers offered to help them find out, the answer was, "No If we knew what we were doing, that would mean manipulating people!"
Well, heck yeah. We're always manipulating people. We lead other people into states. We create an experience for someone else just about every time we open our mouths. We're basically manipulation machines.
Except so many people don't learn how to communicate in a way that really works. NLP is a set of models that looks at what works. Knowing how to make communication work and not using that knowledge would be the mental equivalent of deliberately ignoring your potty training. It's messy, it's rude, and it stinks. :)
So. Forget about living life by default. Let's pretend there's something you want. And let's pretend you're willing to use every word and every action you produce to reach out, grab that thing, and bring it into your life.
I think there's too much opportunity in the world to ever be unsatisfied.
Me.. Well, right now I'm looking for a lot of things. More money. More excitement. More accomplishments, and most importantly, more friends and loved ones to share these other things with.
That means doing new things.
I went up to a girl the other day and introduced myself. Got her phone number. I've never really done that before. It was great!
I'm learning 3D computer animation. A friend of mine has the equipment, so why not?
But the truly wonderful thing is that I'm missing out. There's about 4.999 billion people out there I've never even seen. There's thousands of opportunities zipping past me every day.
It reminds me of an experience I had in Chicago. I visited my cousin there for six weeks one time, and every day I walked down a certain street. I never paid it a lick of attention.
Then one day, I wondered what it would be like to walk down this street like I was playing an adenture game. It was amazing. Suddenly I was looking at things: bottles on the ground, the cars, the people, thinking, "What can I do with these? How can they help me?"
I looked over at this house I'd seen every day, and suddenly realized it was different. There were bathroom doors on the outside, and a sign saying it was some kind of community center. And I looked at this place I'd never noticed, and I thought, "hey! What's in there?"
So I found out.
Well, it doesn't really matter what was in there, because there's so much more out here, isn't there?
But hey. Write your own adventure game. Put yourself on a quest, and use everything you see to help you get there.
Hmm... No, I take that back. Using your mind to create a world of limitless fun, choices, and resources just isn't a useful change. Oh well. Better stick to therapy.
:)
Or then again....
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