Parties, Bubbles, or Tangled Webs?

It is early. Six in the morning, and I've been up since one. I've come to write this essay, and I realize that I have made a commitment to myself and my audiences, both present and future. It seems I am a writer now. So be it.

Untangled

Untangling. The metaphor popped into my mind back in February, when I decided to leave my college and my work teaching children to read in order to move to Atlanta. At first, I thought I'd never be able to do it. I had too many commitments, too many things holding me back. I was, as they say, tied down.

Tied down by what, though? That got me thinking.

If you were to take a look inside my mind, you'd see different models of the world, laid out visually. Here are my timelines, some flowing through me like a river, some branching out, some surrounding me like huge geodesic domes. Off in the distance, small and colorless are my fears, while before me, a panoramic vista of bright dreams, thoughts, and fond memories stretches out to the horizon. And there, up and to my left, is a small window showing mainstream reality.

Well, that certainly answers some questions I've had about myself. When I take the time to lay out my internal workings onto the screen, the reasons I've been the way I've been become clear. I highly recommend it to everyone who reads this to do the same, just for the exercise.

But I wasn't finished. I also have a model in my mind that I'm not sure the current NLP community has put to use yet. I think everyone has one, and they're all different, just like timelines. I call it the relationship model, and for me it looks absolutely beautiful. I see huge, electric blue, polished tubes flowing out of me, connecting me to all the people in my life. The tubes are pipelines for communication, nurturing, friendship, whatever.

It's an interesting metaphor to have. Quite comfortable, if only because I've had it all my life. It makes me feel rooted and centered. After all, with such a model, how can I not feel that I am at the center of the universe, tied down to a particular way of life, completely attached to, even while quite distant from the people in my life?

And that was it. That was precisely how I tied myself down. I was tangled in to a life that was no longer suited for me, simply by the power of my own mind.

Waxing Meta

I was just about to launch into a discussion about what you, reader, could do in your mind in order to get untangled and then tangled into something else that's even better. After all, this is what I did, why wouldn't everyone else want to? But that's precisely the kind of self-centered attitude such a model encourages. ("Don't blame me! My model made me do it!")

Before I go giving directions and imposing my model on anyone else, I'll remind myself that this map I've got is not the territory, and might just be upside down and ten years out of date to begin with. Instead, I'd like to talk a bit about what purpose the relationship model - any relationship model - serves, and how we might go about deciding which ones we want to use.

First of all, let me share a belief I have with those of you who may not be familiar with NLP. I believe that every action, conscious, or unconscious, that a human being takes is influenced by the way that person structures reality, and that this structure is almost entirely imaginary. Think about it. When I started this essay with a tour of my mind, I was pointing out my internal, imaginary structures at that moment. In NLP, this would be called a neurolinguistic map.

Now, since most people go through life without learning how to use their brains, brains tend to just make up these maps, and strategies for using them, as they go along. The result is that all sorts of different realities have evolved inside different people's heads.

I call this population of models the memefield, and will have more to say about it in future issues. For now, understand that since there are so many different ways of experiencing the world, we can pick and choose. We can also evaluate our maps and strategies, or design new ones.

Now, a relationship model (hereafter RM) is simply that. A person uses it to relate to everything in the outside world. (That is, I have a relationship to my friends - one of friendship; and a relationship to the floor - one of being on top of it.)

So what would be some criteria for a workable, general-purpose RM? I would say:

It must be flexible enough to allow for a wide variety of relationships.
It must provide the user with distinctions between these various relationships.
It must allow the user to easily create and, when necessary, end relationships.
It must allow the user to enjoy life.

Two final notes before we get to the business of evaluating the model at hand. First, notice that I've specified that these are criteria for a general-purpose RM. A model that said everyone and everything loves you might feel great on a day out in nature with someone special, but it's hardly appropriate for a staff meeting.

Second, note the use of the word "user". I'm talking about neuro-software here (or noware, as I sometimes call it). It's not a part of me, it's just a program I run in my head. I use it, and when it ceases to serve me, I can upgrade. You grok? Good.

On Entanglement

I have just presented a relationship meta-model, that is, a model for working with other models. Let's see how it applies to a particular RM - the one I've been running for most of my life.

Is it flexible enough to allow a wide variety of relationships?

Check. I picture all of my relationships in basically the same way, blue tubes connecting me to places, people, and events. Within this model, I can be connected to just about anything.

Does it provide distinctions between these relationships?

Yes and no. There are various submodalities I can play with, including the diameter of the tube, the length, and the part of my person to which it is attached. However, these seem to be distributed somewhat randomly. There's no particular difference between, say, an aquaintance, and a dear friend. As there have been times in my life when loved ones have told me they felt as if I didn't care about them, I must mark this as a definite area for improvement.

Does it allow relationships to be dynamically created and destroyed?

Ouch. Not in my head. It seems painful to just cut a relationship off (that's why I developed the idea of untangling) and as such, when my past relationships have drawn to a close, they tend to either wither away slowly without much thought, or to cause a great deal of pain on my part.

As for creating new relationships? Yes and no. I've always seemed to just fall into relationships. People who like me, hang around. In the past, I've had trouble approaching new people. At first this was out of fear, but I used NLP to change that, the pattern has persisted, but out of disinterest. This, too, I must definitely change.

Does it allow the user to enjoy life?

Hmm. That's a tough question. I would have to say so. On the other hand, I can think of many ways I could enjoy life even more if I had a different model for relating to others.

Upgrade

With only one definite yes, it looks like my relationship model doesn't quite fit my criteria. So I'm going to trade it in. I believe I'll try on different ones until I find one I like.

Here are some thoughts I have for other possible relationship models. I'm brainstorming here, and most of these would probably not meet my criteria, but I like to throw out anything in case I can use part of it.

A hierarchy or class system - Sounds yucky, but it might be fun to try.
A party - just put myself in a sea of people.
Bubbles - a friend of mine once told me she pictured people as floating around, protected by bubbles, bouncing off of each other.
A "cog in the machine" model - everyone becomes a function of society.
"Circles of Friends" - literally imagine concentric circles grouping family, friends, acquantances, strangers, and so on.
A filing cabinet
Criscrossing timelines - where the timelines would intersect with the timelines of other people and things at particular locations through time.
A telephone or database system - where others are not present at all, but can be called up on an as-needed basis. A mental database server could return a query for all friends more than six feet tall! :)
Energy Fields - everyone could have an aura that pulsed out and intersected with others at various times.

... And so on. Personally, I'd run each through my criteria before trying it on for more than an hour or so. And if it didn't meet a criterion, I'd modify the model until it did.

I could do the same for my current model, the tangled web. For example, I might enjoy a wider variety of relationships if I "painted" each tube to represent the character of who- or what-ever the relationship is with. I could throw out a link to everybody, so I might be more interested in meeting strangers. There's always room to play.

On a final note, I've been hearing a voice in my mind telling me all along as I wrote this that I can't just throw away my old model. After all, I'm tied down and tangled in, remember? But there's a structure to that, and I can use that structure to untangle myself. I'll go off by myself, close my eyes, and allow all those connections to wither and fall away, using the model's own natural process for ending relationships. And when everything is shut down like that, I'll install the new model - whatever it is - by using its process for beginning new relationships. This way I can consciously choose each and every relationship in my life. I may spend an hour, or a few minutes. I'll most likely set the main ones, and let my unconscious fill the others in as I go along.

There's a structure here, if you're paying attention. It's about ecology, and about hacking. We all have these programs inside of us, and when we figure them out - not why they're there or what they mean, but how they work - then we can use them to do whatever we want, including replacing them completely. It's about using your brain and having some fun with reality.

Afterward & Links

Well, that's my second issue! As I said at the beginning, it's kind of neat to think of myself as a "real" writer, even though I've been writing stories and posts for who knows how long. The difference is having a schedule, a deadline, and sticking to it.

Hacking the Buddha will be distributed to the NLP newsgroup, available by email subscription, and archived on my website, Manifest Station.

I had originally chosen "manifest.org" as my domain name, but then reconsidered. I'm hoping "manifestation.com" will go through in the next day or so, in which case Hacking the Buddha will be archived at http://manifestaiton.com/buddha.

Meanwhile, if you're in the mood for more NLP learning, I'd like to recommend Simon Stanton's web site, "The Learning Organisation" at http://www.stant-1.demon.co.uk

That's the end for this issue. Have fun, and happy hacking!